(We are in a large conference room with one of those long tables that look like real wood. There are about eight men, one of whom (LEAD MAN) is standing at the back of the room in front of a screen, fourteen of whom are mumbling to each other about stocks. The director can have more men around the table, but be sure to let people know there are only 8 speaking roles. Truth in advertising and all that.)
LEAD MAN: I'm sure you'd all like to know why I called you here to this emergency meeting. I'm here to tell you, boys, that we are dying in the media.
(One man shoots his hand up in the air)
GUY #1: "Is it because Rush Limbaugh called someone a slut?"
(concerned murmurs all around)
LEAD MAN: No, I don't think that that is a problem, and I will tell you why later. But my real concern...
GUY #2: "Is it because they killed Breitbart?"
LEAD MAN, slightly annoyed: No, no, no Smith. I keep on telling you, WE killed Andrew Breitbart. He was getting way too friendly with the enemy, and we knew we could blame it on the libs anyway.
But my real concern...(picks up a remote, clicks it; a large portrait of Bill Maher appears on the screen) is this man here. Not two days ago, this man was heard to say (pause)...." 'Conservative values' is a code word for 'racism' ".
(gasps from all the guys)
GUY #3: That family hating, minority loving bastard has cracked the Code?????
LEAD MAN: I'm afraid so, yes. At least the code word for 'racism'. Although technically it's code for "kill all the black people", we're still concerned that a liberal has come so close to uncovering our real motives. So what I'd like to do today, Gentlemen, is to review the Code and update the words most likely to be picked up by people smart enough to know that we rich people keep all our money in a mattress so it doesn't circulate in the economy, and that America was founded by Latina, Asian, and Russian women who snuck over the border overnight and set fire to the White House.
GUY #3: I guess not many people know that. (chorus of "no"s all around; guys all shake their heads)
LEAD MAN: So let's get started, shall we?(clicks remote again; the words CODE WORDS: "Second Amendment Rights" appears on top of the screen; REAL MEANING: "living in a bunker with enough ammunition to fight the war on freedom when it comes" underneath it.) I know we haven't used this one much since 9/11, when everybody started building bunkers, but I think it's still important to code these words so all conservatives know what we're talking about and the wise-ass liberals don't. So, what are your suggestions, gentlemen?
GUY #4: What about "right to bear arms"?
LEAD MAN (frowns): Hmmm. I'm not so sure that the new code word should have the same general meaning of the old one. Too easy to decipher. What are some other mandatory beliefs we can use for it?
GUY #5: I know, what about "How 'bout that NASCAR race, fellas?"
GUY #6: Or "Down with civil rights!!"
(other guys look at him)
GUY#6: Well, except for straight white men, of course.
GUY#7: Check this one out, boss: "Cut taxes now!"
LEAD MAN (snaps fingers and points to GUY #7): That sounds like a winner to me boys! What do the rest of you think?
(Everyone claps and those near GUY #7 high five him. LEAD MAN types it into his laptop. He clicks to the next screen. On top it reads, "Right to Life"; underneath, "Let's give a coat hanger abortion to every woman over seventeen, pregnant or not") Gentleman?
A chorus of ideas are put forward. "I only watch Fox!" "No taxation without representation!" "Our forefathers!" "Constitutionality!"
GUY #2 Hey, wait a minute guys! (all quiet down and look at him) All our folks use "right to life" and it's gotten probably more press for us since 1970 than anything else. We've even convinced some people that we are worried about the life of a fetus. (snickers all around) Or even that we care about women. (snickers turn to guffaws) How can we get rid of that? It's on bumper stickers, it's on large posters at rallies, a gazillion groups are named after it....I think that the possibility of liberals catching on to its true meaning is small in comparison to how helpful it is to us.
(silence except some hmmms)
GUY 5: You know, Johnson, we don't need to get rid of it! We can just ...use it for something else!
(chorus of "Right!" "Right", "Yeah!", "Great idea!")
GUY 5: (acquiesces)
LEAD MAN: What shall it be, guys?
Murmur as guys talk lowly among themselves.
GUY 8:I nominate, "Constitutionality."
LEAD MAN: I second it. Let's vote!
(5 guys of the 8 raise their hands.)
LEAD MAN: The ayes have it! Now, the next one, gentleman is a big one. An important one. (clicks remote to reveal the words "Traditional Marriage" on the top of the screen; "take all gay people to an island and bomb it" underneath) What do you think?
GUY 1: What about using "Right to Life" for that?
(others nod)
LEAD MAN: Well, that was a lot easier than I thought it would be!
GUY 2: Wait, but what should we use "Traditional Marriage" for? Seems a shame to get rid of it. Can we use it for "Free chastity belts for men to use on daughters and wives?"
LEAD MAN: Brilliant, Miller! Gentleman, these were the Big Three, the important ones we definitely want to protect; we can look at the other phrases in the Republican Party and Conservative Libertarian playbooks at our next regular meeting. Meeting dismissed. (begins to dismantle projecter and close laptop as all but GUY #1 exeunt)
GUY #1 (stage whisper to LEAD MAN) So boss...
LEAD MAN( looks toward him ): yes?
GUY #1 Why is it you're not upset about El Rushbo calling someone a slut?
LEAD MAN: Isn't it obvious? It proves that our code word for "Make unions illegal" is still safe!
GUY #1(nods)
Exeunt.
LEAD MAN: I'm sure you'd all like to know why I called you here to this emergency meeting. I'm here to tell you, boys, that we are dying in the media.
(One man shoots his hand up in the air)
GUY #1: "Is it because Rush Limbaugh called someone a slut?"
(concerned murmurs all around)
LEAD MAN: No, I don't think that that is a problem, and I will tell you why later. But my real concern...
GUY #2: "Is it because they killed Breitbart?"
LEAD MAN, slightly annoyed: No, no, no Smith. I keep on telling you, WE killed Andrew Breitbart. He was getting way too friendly with the enemy, and we knew we could blame it on the libs anyway.
But my real concern...(picks up a remote, clicks it; a large portrait of Bill Maher appears on the screen) is this man here. Not two days ago, this man was heard to say (pause)...." 'Conservative values' is a code word for 'racism' ".
(gasps from all the guys)
GUY #3: That family hating, minority loving bastard has cracked the Code?????
LEAD MAN: I'm afraid so, yes. At least the code word for 'racism'. Although technically it's code for "kill all the black people", we're still concerned that a liberal has come so close to uncovering our real motives. So what I'd like to do today, Gentlemen, is to review the Code and update the words most likely to be picked up by people smart enough to know that we rich people keep all our money in a mattress so it doesn't circulate in the economy, and that America was founded by Latina, Asian, and Russian women who snuck over the border overnight and set fire to the White House.
GUY #3: I guess not many people know that. (chorus of "no"s all around; guys all shake their heads)
LEAD MAN: So let's get started, shall we?(clicks remote again; the words CODE WORDS: "Second Amendment Rights" appears on top of the screen; REAL MEANING: "living in a bunker with enough ammunition to fight the war on freedom when it comes" underneath it.) I know we haven't used this one much since 9/11, when everybody started building bunkers, but I think it's still important to code these words so all conservatives know what we're talking about and the wise-ass liberals don't. So, what are your suggestions, gentlemen?
GUY #4: What about "right to bear arms"?
LEAD MAN (frowns): Hmmm. I'm not so sure that the new code word should have the same general meaning of the old one. Too easy to decipher. What are some other mandatory beliefs we can use for it?
GUY #5: I know, what about "How 'bout that NASCAR race, fellas?"
GUY #6: Or "Down with civil rights!!"
(other guys look at him)
GUY#6: Well, except for straight white men, of course.
GUY#7: Check this one out, boss: "Cut taxes now!"
LEAD MAN (snaps fingers and points to GUY #7): That sounds like a winner to me boys! What do the rest of you think?
(Everyone claps and those near GUY #7 high five him. LEAD MAN types it into his laptop. He clicks to the next screen. On top it reads, "Right to Life"; underneath, "Let's give a coat hanger abortion to every woman over seventeen, pregnant or not") Gentleman?
A chorus of ideas are put forward. "I only watch Fox!" "No taxation without representation!" "Our forefathers!" "Constitutionality!"
GUY #2 Hey, wait a minute guys! (all quiet down and look at him) All our folks use "right to life" and it's gotten probably more press for us since 1970 than anything else. We've even convinced some people that we are worried about the life of a fetus. (snickers all around) Or even that we care about women. (snickers turn to guffaws) How can we get rid of that? It's on bumper stickers, it's on large posters at rallies, a gazillion groups are named after it....I think that the possibility of liberals catching on to its true meaning is small in comparison to how helpful it is to us.
(silence except some hmmms)
GUY 5: You know, Johnson, we don't need to get rid of it! We can just ...use it for something else!
(chorus of "Right!" "Right", "Yeah!", "Great idea!")
GUY 5: (acquiesces)
LEAD MAN: What shall it be, guys?
Murmur as guys talk lowly among themselves.
GUY 8:I nominate, "Constitutionality."
LEAD MAN: I second it. Let's vote!
(5 guys of the 8 raise their hands.)
LEAD MAN: The ayes have it! Now, the next one, gentleman is a big one. An important one. (clicks remote to reveal the words "Traditional Marriage" on the top of the screen; "take all gay people to an island and bomb it" underneath) What do you think?
GUY 1: What about using "Right to Life" for that?
(others nod)
LEAD MAN: Well, that was a lot easier than I thought it would be!
GUY 2: Wait, but what should we use "Traditional Marriage" for? Seems a shame to get rid of it. Can we use it for "Free chastity belts for men to use on daughters and wives?"
LEAD MAN: Brilliant, Miller! Gentleman, these were the Big Three, the important ones we definitely want to protect; we can look at the other phrases in the Republican Party and Conservative Libertarian playbooks at our next regular meeting. Meeting dismissed. (begins to dismantle projecter and close laptop as all but GUY #1 exeunt)
GUY #1 (stage whisper to LEAD MAN) So boss...
LEAD MAN( looks toward him ): yes?
GUY #1 Why is it you're not upset about El Rushbo calling someone a slut?
LEAD MAN: Isn't it obvious? It proves that our code word for "Make unions illegal" is still safe!
GUY #1(nods)
Exeunt.
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