Best. Nigerian. Spam. Ever. (and my reply)

From my facebook page, in case Notes go away (you never know):

 by Kelly L. Norman on Wednesday, June 2, 2010 at 3:25pm ·

1) The spam (remarks italicized & in brackets were added by me; not in original e-mail)

----- Original Message -----
From: mr roger
To: undisclosed recipients
Sent: Wednesday, June 02, 2010 2:15 AM
Subject: Re: Payment Notification:

Famous Authors Write Presidential Biographies

Have you ever heard people say that the Nixon presidency could be read like a Shakespearean tragedy? My pastor brought that up again last week when he was talking about pride, and I started thinking, "If Shakespeare wrote the Nixon presidency, who wrote the other ones?" I have to admit, I came at this totally with an eye of mischieviousness, not political in the least. But I've come up with some ideas. Maybe you can think of some more.

They are listed in order of president's name, author, book (presidency) title, and excerpt:



Madison
Dolly Madison
Men: Who Needs Them?
"They'll never remember him after we leave."

Jackson
Jeff Foxworthy
You Might Be a Jacksonian Democrat if….
"Your friends come barefoot to the inaugural, and there's two covered wagons on blocks on the front lawn of the White House.”

W. H. Harrison
Ernest Hemingway
The Last Days of Tippecanoe
"I lit a cigarette. It started to rain. He talked on. And on. Then he got sick. Thirty days later, he died. Well, that's that, I thought."

Lincoln
Fyodor Dostoevsky
Wives and Punishment
"Day after day, he wondered how long it would last. He kept thinking, why don't they just shoot me?"

Garfield
Swami Jimi Davisu
Channeling Garfield
"And he will return in the 20th century as a fat feline who loves lasagne"

T. Roosevelt
Michael Chrichton
National Park
"Crazed by the industrial revolution which made the bear extinct, T. was obsessed by bringing this primitive animal back to life. And building a canal in central America."

Taft
Dr. Atkins
The All-Fat, No-Exercise Diet
“Our stately president, all 300 pounds of him, is a prime example of good health!”

Harding
Agatha Christie
The Tea-Pot Affair
"Scandalously, they put the tea-pot under the dome."

F. Roosevelt
Homer
ROOSEVELT REX
Πδηγαπ ςτφχοοπ. Βεζρσε ςστ!!

Nixon
Wm. Shakespeare
The Prince of Loma Linda
“A splicer, a splicer, my kingdom for a splicer!”

Ford
John Cleese
Tumbling Through Washington
“I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up.”

Clinton
F. Scott Fitzgerald
Those Crazy Nineties
"But we all had a swell time, no?"

G. W. Bush
Louis L’Amour
The Man From Crawford
"It was almost noon. Bush and Bin Laden stared each other down, mano a mano, in the street outside the jailhouse. The light of the sun glinted off of Bush's marshall's badge. This was what he'd waited for. The moment of truth had come."

Did they really say that?!?

And that I couldn't make up.

1)Ad heard yesterday on the radio: "Are your computer skills getting in the way of your career progress?"

Uh....only when my boss is watching.

2)Excerpts from Kwame Kilpatrick's semi-concession speech after his semi-loss to the mayoral primary in Detroit, which you will never hear again in the MSM: "They will not talk about Kwame Kilpatrick anymore." Did he hear himself say that?

Maybe he's finally taking my advice, and planning to open that Ethiopian-Irish restaurant that I thought his name belonged to when I saw it on the SMART busses during the last campaign. (You know, like Carlos-Murphy's, Jose-Babuschka's.....)I've got some ideas for the menu: Meat feast & boiled cabbage; corned beef & sponge bread with spice tea (yummmm)...

3)Lady who called in about where she could get cheap mental health care--including seeing a psychiatrist for treatment for panic attacks--after I gave her the name of a very nice place. "Oh, thank you!" Pause. "But do I have to go there?"

Uh, no lady, just drive up; they have great big jars out front full of Xanax and Klonopin with great big scoops. Help yourself.

5)And just for kicks, here's something that I couldn't make up, but somebody did, and Dr. Sanity was smart enough to blog it in her posts of August 4... Among some other clever stuff.

Take off, eh?

It's official! Canada is the dumbest government in the world! Here's a press release to prove it....from the Canadian press, and if that doesn't put the cork in the bottle of maple syrup, I don't know what does:

Save Seventies Slang!

Men and women of the cusp of the Baby Boom, our heritage is in jeopardy!

There is a very badddd site called IntheSeventies.com that is being pirated by X-ers and post-Xers. Bogart, huh? At least, I don't ever remember hearing "What's Up Homie G-Funk" in high school. Or, "Yo, Wazzup G-unit! Welcome To The Hood Home Slice". Or even "Don't have a cow, man" which I think got its start from Bart Simpson.

There is only one thing to do. Overwhelm the site with appropriate 70's lingo and definitions. Audi 5000! TCB!