Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Take off, eh?

It's official! Canada is the dumbest government in the world! Here's a press release to prove it....from the Canadian press, and if that doesn't put the cork in the bottle of maple syrup, I don't know what does:




Canada wins dumbest gov't at Stupidity Awards
Canadian Press

MONTREAL: The Canadian government secured a surprise win Friday, beating out such luminaries as Iran, North Korea and the United States, for the dumbest
government of the year at the World Stupidity Awards.

It also bested the United Nations in a hotly contested category that organizers
said proved Canadians can compete with the rest of the world.

"Canadians often feel we're in the shadow of the U.S., especially when it comes
to stupidity, but now we're proving we're world class," said Robert Spence,
spokesman of the awards handed out during the Just for Laughs comedy festival.

"And as host country, who could ask for more?"


--You said it, Bobby.

Well, we at the Daily Funnies feel inclined to celebrate our brothers and sisters to the north by dedicating today's funny to them. So take off, you hosers!

Heard this one on the LaPuke brothers report, courtesy Dick Purtan & co., this a.m.:

Q: How do you keep Canadian Bacon from curling?
A: Take away their broom.*

Here's how Canada got its name: When J. MacDonald and Friends were trying to figure out the name of this great place, someone had a great idea. Let's stick all the letters into a hat and draw 3 of them - That will be the new name of this place.. So they did so.. 1st letter is pulled and the guy shouts - "C" eh!? 2nd letter is pulled and the guy shouts - "N" eh!? 3rd letter is pulled and the guy shouts - "D" eh!?

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Canadians don't change light bulbs, we accept them as they are.

Why it's great to be Canadian!
It's great to be Canadian for many reasons. Canada has been continuously declared to be among the best countries to live by the United Nations. Perhaps the following or some of the reasons why.

We are proud to be Canadian!
We're awfully nice to strangers,
Our manners be our curse,
(We're just to darn nice...)
It's cool in many ways to be Canadian,
(It's cool 'cause it's cold up here,)
We won't say that we're better,
(No!)
It's just that we're less worse.

-"Proud To Be Canadian" Arrogant Worms

Things Canadians are proud of...
*Smarties.
*Crispy Crunch.
*Coffee Crisp.
*The footballs and fields are bigger, and we have one less Down.
*Lacrosse is Canadian.
*Hockey is Canadian.
*Basketball is Canadian.
*The biggest flags ever seen/flown at any Olympics were Canadian... The second time it was smuggled in because they made a rule against it cause of the first time.
*Mr. Dress-up can kick Mr. Rogers ass.
*Maple syrup kicks Mrs. Butterworths ass (...don't know about Aunt Jemima though).
*Tim Horton's kicks Dunkin Donuts ass.
*Waaaay better beer commercials/contests and beer company give a ways. Example: the *Molson Canadian House Party...where you get to keep the house. Trashed or not.
*In the war of 1812, we pushed the Americans so far back... passed their 'White *House', burned it...and most of Washington. We got bored because they ran away so we came home and partied. Go figure.
*Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
*The largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war.
*The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing... but showed up just in time to get caught.
*We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.
*The Hudson's Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earths surface and is still around as the worlds oldest company.
*The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
*We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.
*The Canadian Civil War was a bar fight that lasted a little over an hour.
*We don't marry our kin-folk.
*We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, the long distance and short wave radios that save countless lives each year. Oh yeah...and the handles on beer cases big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.
*We all know that a scale that measures boiling water at 212 degrees and freezes at 32 is asinine.
*We've ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.
*We can out drink Americans in a heart beat!!
*Our elections take only one day.
*Help from Canada...

PRESS RELEASE:

Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington Statement by the Press Secretary

President Bush and Prime Minister Martin of Canada met on Sept. 24th with the Canadian Leader strongly supporting the war on terrorism. Prime Minister Martin issued the following statement:

CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM!

WE HAVE PLEDGED:

- 2 BATTLE SHIPS,

- 600 GROUND TROOPS,

- 6 FIGHTER JETS.

AFTER THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP WITH:

- 2 CANOES,

- 6 MOUNTIES,

- AND A BUNCH OF FLYING SQUIRRELS



There was a Canadian magazine that had a contest a few years ago to come up with a Canadian analogue to "as American as apple pie." The winner was "as Canadian as possible under the circumstances."

Have you heard about the big jazz hit up in Canada?

"Take the Train, eh?"

Q: What does a Canadian say when you step on his foot?

A: "Sorry."


Sign reported at the anti-Bush protests in Ottawa: "Please Leave"

". . . jokes in Canada are not illegal. They're just federally regulated."--Mark Steyn (Wall Street Journal)

******************************************

CBC's version of the popular TV series "Survivor"

CBC Television is developing an Albertan version of "Survivor" the popular TV show. The rules are simple.

Each contestant must travel from Edmonton to Fort McMurray through High Level, Grand Prairie, Peace River, Hinton, Edson, Jasper, Banff, Red Deer,Calgary, Lethbridge, Medicine Hat, Brooks, Drumheller, Lloydminister and back to Edmonton again driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads:

I'm votin' Labour,, I'm Gay and I'm here to Take your Guns.

*****************

There were 4 guys mountain climbing in the rockies all three were avid hockey fans. As they reached the summit, the first guy runs and jumps off of the mountain and yells "this is for the Los Angeles kings"

The second climber runs off the summit and yells "this is for the Detroit Red Wings"

The third climber runs and pushes the fourth climber off the summit and who happens to be from Calgary and yells "this is for the Edmonton Oilers"



One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all. Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked:

"Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man replied, "Oh no, not at all. I lived in downtown Ottawa and this weather is just like a typical July day in the city."

Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.

When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the Ottawa native,

"Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?"

The young man looked up and said, "No, the temperature is just like a hot August day in Ottawa. I'm coping it just fine."

Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this man's stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the young man jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.

"This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting:

"The Ottawa Senators have won the Stanley Cup! The Ottawa Senators have won the Stanley Cup!"


Bag o' Fish

A guy sees a Newfie walking down the street carrying a bag of fish.

He walks over to the Newfie and says: "Hey Newfie, I bet I can guess how many fish you have in that bag. If I get it right, will you give me one of them?"

And the Newfie says: "Heck, if you can guess how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give 'em both to you."


Jean-Marc and Jean-Pierre

Two Quebecois walked into a pet store. Right away they go over to the bird section. Jean-Marc says to Jean-Pierre, "Dats dem." The store clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yea, we'll take four of dem birds in dat cage up der," says Jean-Marc. "Put dem in a paper bag." They leave the store. They drive for three hours until they are high up in the hills. They stop at the face of a large cliff with a 500 foot drop.

"Dis looks like a good place eh?" says Jean-Pierre.

"Oh yea, dis looks good," agrees Jean-Marc.

They flip a coin and Jean-Marc wins the toss. "Tabernac! I guess I got to go first, eh?" says Jean-Pierre. He takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Jean-Marc watches as his buddy drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds and goes "splat."

As Jean-Marc looks over the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dis. Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me!

Eskimo Moon

What do Eskimos (northern Canadians) get from sitting on the ice too long?

Polaroids.


Newfie Virus

Hi. I'm a virus from Newfoundland.

Please forward this email to all the contacts in your address book.

Then delete all the files on your hard drive.

That's great, thanks very much.

(Time stamp: 13:09 Jul 26 05 15:26 Jul 28 05 Newfoundland)


The Fox Hat

July 1999. The Queen of England is making an official visit to Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan. All the locals are quite excited to have the Queen come to their town for the first time ever, and they have prepared quite a welcome for her. When she steps off of the plane, everyone is quite taken aback to see the Queen, while dressed otherwise quite normally, looking especially resplendent in a magnificent fox hat - like a Daniel Boone coonskin, only made of fox. Sweat is streaming quite un-majestically down her face.

The cameras are clicking away as she steps off the plane. After the official greetings are over, and the mayor of Moose Jaw has a private moment with the Queen away from the cameras and onlookers, he finally unleashes his curiosity.

"Excuse me, Your Majesty, but I must ask. I have never seen you wearing this magnificent fox hat before,but I wonder why you chose to wear it on such a hot day?"

The Queen. replies: Well, my good man, that is quite simple, you see. I always trust the judgment of the Queen Mother when it comes to fashion. And when I told her I was going to Moose Jaw for the first time, and asked if I should wear anything special in honor of this trip to Cahnahdah, she said, "Moose Jaw?? Where the fok's 'hat?"

------------------------------

*Canadians curling:

3 comments :

Billy D said...

Wow. That was brutal. I like it! Canadiens are... well, let's just say I grew up around thousands of them, and still cannot name one I liked. (Very arrogant and pushy people)

Kelly Norman said...

Really???? Where did you grow up? I'm in southeast Michigan, near southwest Ontario, of course, and my experience with Canadians is more that they're very sweet but extremely naive and enabling. Sort of like their national stereotype of "We don't want to be impolite, but, um, don't you think you Americans are being too hard on those terrorists? If they're angry, they must be angry about something. Let's all share and have a biscuit, shall we?"

Billy D said...

Way upstate NY. I could get to Montreal from my house in about 45 minutes. Unfortunately, the Canadiens could get to my house in the same amount of time.
They always acted like the Americans were there to serve them. The lake I grew up on was surrounded by camps, and they were about 75% Canadien, so I hung out with a lot.
I have to give props to the french women though.
Tres magnifique!