Or,
All I really want to do….is claim you as a dependent.
The reason for the tax dirge:
The tax dirge is perfect music
for seeking lost bits of paper, Googling tax code minutiae (and isn’t it all
minutiae?)…and for holding your breath until your accountant calls and says
you're getting a refund, or a bigger refund than expected....or until you enter
all the numbers into Turbo Tax and the amount "overpaid" comes up
positive. On the other hand, it's good music to drown your sorrows when you see there is no way in H-E Double toothpicks you're getting a refund...in fact, you may have to sell your house to pay your bill!!
To be
honest, many times the songs in the annual playlist known as the Tax Dirge
aren't evocative of those feelings viz their music or lyrics; many times the
title just, well, fits.
As usual, the Dirge features songs of all or most song types. This one includes reggae, hip-hop, opera, 70s punk, folk and country. And 2014 sees the debut of Mr. Marshall Mathers on the Dirge with not 1 but 2 selections from "The Eminem Show".
We end as
usual with the Mother of All Tax Dirge Songs, "Taxman", written and
performed mostly by George Harrison....the Grumpy Beatle[1]. If you're singing
along to the finale this year, and wondering what to put in place of the descant, "Uh-uh, Mr. Wilson; Uh-uh, Mr. Heath", then
"Uh-uh, Mr. Boehner, Uh-uh, Mr. O" works pretty good. Unless
you're Canadian, in which case you have a couple of weeks to figure out how
to fit Messrs. Harper and Mulcair in the song in a rhythmic and clever way, eh.
Happy
dirging, taxpayers!
Song #
1: All of this and Nothing.
Artist:
The Psychedelic Furs.
Why? All this work, nothing to show for it.
Song
#2: American Pie.
Artist:
Don McLean.
Why?
Well, I understand you want a piece of the pie. But I make the pie. Can’t I keep some for myself?
Song
#3: Are you Trying to Be Funny?
Artist: Everything But the Girl.
Why? This is what the IRS man said after I told
him I hadn’t been to a tea party rally in months, seriously.
Song
#4: Can’t Buy Me Love
Artist:
The Beatles (mostly Paul McCartney)
Why? Because you can’t buy me love, but if you pay
my tax bill I’ll gladly shack up with you.
Song #5: What Child is This (greensleeves)
Artist: everyone and his brother.
Why? What
child is this, and can I claim him as a dependent? Son! Meet your MAMA! But only till December 31.
Song
#6: Folsum Prison Blues
Artist: Johnny Cash.
Why? Because ignorance of the tax code won’t
prevent you from being charged with a felony. Now just might be the time to get into character
Song
#7: Cleaning’ Out My Closet
Artist: Eminem
Why? “I know those receipts are here somewhere!”
Song
#8: J’ai Bû
Artist: Charles Aznavour
Why? This
translates as “I drank.” And drank, and
drank, and drank…
Song
#9: Love Chooses You.
Artist: Laurie Lewis.
Why? Because love chooses you because you’re
special. The IRS is much less
discriminating.
Song
#10: Mama Tried
Artist: Merle Haggard.
Why? Mama tried, but she finally had to sell us to
pay her taxes.
Song
#11: If I Had a Rocket Launcher
Artist: Bruce Cockburn.
JUST
KIDDING, PEOPLE!!!!!!!!
Song
#12: My Dad’s Gone Crazy
Artist: Eminem.
Why? He was fine until he tried to sign up at
healthcare.gov…….
Song
#13: It’s Now or Never
Artist: Elvis Presley
Why? These figures aren’t gonna add & subtract
themselves!
Song
#14: Could You Be Loved?
Artist: Bob Marley
Why?
“Could you be loved?” “Not at this time of year! Piss off!”
Song
#15: Cleansed By Fire
Artist: Alice Cooper
Why? Well, because I like Alice Cooper's Christian stuff, but I’m
also thinking….if there are no W2s, there was no income, right?
Song
#15: Crumbs From Your Table
Artist: U2
Why? Please….I just paid my taxes and only have 3
cents left.
Song
#16: Don’t Let Us Get Sick
Artist: Warren Zevon
Why? Apparently if we miss more work, the nation’s
entire infrastructure will collapse.
Song
#17: Nessun Dormo (“None Shall Sleep”)
Artist:
[insert favorite tenor’s name here] From
Turandot, by Puccini
Why? Insomnia, thine name ist IRS.
Song #18: Taxman
Artist: The Beatles (mostly George)
Why?
Get a load of these lyrics:
Let me tell you how it will be
There's one for you, nineteen for me[2]
'Cause I'm the taxman, yeah, I'm the taxman
Should five per cent appear too small
Be thankful I don't take it all
'Cause I'm the taxman, yeah I'm the taxman
If you drive a car, I'll tax the street,
If you try to sit, I'll tax your seat.
If you get too cold I'll tax the heat,
If you take a walk, I'll tax your feet.
Don't ask me what I want it for
There's one for you, nineteen for me[2]
'Cause I'm the taxman, yeah, I'm the taxman
Should five per cent appear too small
Be thankful I don't take it all
'Cause I'm the taxman, yeah I'm the taxman
If you drive a car, I'll tax the street,
If you try to sit, I'll tax your seat.
If you get too cold I'll tax the heat,
If you take a walk, I'll tax your feet.
Don't ask me what I want it for
( “Ah ah, Mr. Wilson[3]…..)
If you don't want to pay some more
If you don't want to pay some more
(“Ah ah, Mr. Heath”[4])
'Cause I'm the taxman, yeah, I'm the taxman
Now my advice for those who die
Declare the pennies on your eyes
'Cause I'm the taxman, yeah, I'm the taxman
And you're working for no one but me.
'Cause I'm the taxman, yeah, I'm the taxman
Now my advice for those who die
Declare the pennies on your eyes
'Cause I'm the taxman, yeah, I'm the taxman
And you're working for no one but me.
Yup,
grumpy poetry. Sheer grumpy poetry.
[1] I
just made that up. I’m almost certain
that George was never known as “The Grumpy Beatle”. But he definitely was grumpy when he wrote
“Taxman”
[2] No
wonder George was grumpy. This was
literally the tax bracket the Beatles found themselves in in 1966: paying 95% to a government in a country that
10 years later found itself boycotted by the Soviet Union…because their goods
were too shoddy and took too long to arrive.
That’s really bad, boys and girls.
[3]
Harold Wilson, Prime Minister (Labour Party)
[4]
Edward Heath, leader of the opposition---the Conservative, or Tory, party.
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