Sunday, June 10, 2018

How the Americans Really Should Have Ended

(Safe house.  Claudia is meeting with Elizabeth and Phillip)





Elizabeth: You mean we have to go?  They can't extend us for another season?
Phillip:  You knew this was coming, Elizabeth.  Besides, the Soviet Union is about to disappear.  What reason will we have to spy, anyway?
Claudia:  Really, dear, the show has jumped the shark.  I'm sorry.
Elizabeth:  But Stan still hasn't found out there's a nest of KGB spies next door!
Phillip:  No, and I haven't defected either.
Elizabeth (to Phillip): You weren't going to do that.
Phillip:  I could have.  If I got an offer for my own reality show.
Elizabeth:  The CIA doesn't give you reality shows if you defect.  And there are no reality shows now.  That happens like 25 years into the future.
Phillip: It could happen.
Elizabeth (turning back to Claudia) And what about Paige?
Claudia:  Paige has a new assignment.
Elizabeth (quizzically):  She does?
Claudia: Yes, she's moving to Moscow to spy for the CIA.
Elizabeth:  WHAT? What do you mean?
Claudia:  Calm down.  It's for a TV series.  It's about an American man and woman who live in Moscow as man and wife and speak with an incredibly real Russian accent.  It's called...
Elizabeth and Claudia, Elizabeth rolling eyes :The Russians.
Elizabeth looks over at Phillip:  Did you know about this?
Phillip: Elizabeth, Paige has been spying for the CIA since she was about 6 months old.  Haven't you figured that out yet?
Elizabeth (back to Claudia): Who have you paired her up with?
Claudia:  I think his name is Max.  Maxwell Umneia.
Elizabeth:  Maxwell SMART?  He's the laughingstock of the CIA!
Claudia:  But he's very nice.  And in time, Paige will learn to love him.
Elizabeth:  I don't think so.  This is all very upsetting.
(Stan enters)
Stan:  Hi Claudia, Hi Phillip, Elizabeth.
Elizabeth & Phillip:  What are YOU doing here?
Stan:  Oh, Claudia has just asked me to fill her in on Star Wars.
Phillip:  You mean the new defense plan of the Americans?
Stan (laughing): No, the movie series!
Claudia:  I'm a huge fan of Han Solo.  (She bends closer to Phillip and Elizabeth)  There are rumors of a prequel.
Elizabeth (to Stan) How do you know her?
Stan: Claudia?  She's my biggest source!
Claudia: Sorry I never got around to telling you guys.  I flipped about 10 years ago.
(Awkward pause.) 
Elizabeth:  Well, if you say so, I guess the show is really over. (Turns to Phillip) Where will we go now?
Claudia: You can always bunk with Paige in Moscow.
Elizabeth: And with Maxwell Smart? No thanks.
Phillip:  And what about Martha?
Elizabeth: OK, if she'll talk to us, I guess we could stay with Martha.

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