Saturday, November 26, 2011

How to Do Thanksgiving With Your Sister

1). Get text from sister asking if you can bring walnuts and paper plates.

2.) Stop at Meijers to get paper plates and walnuts. Remember you're out of milk.Get milk and egg nog and cereal (it's on sale) and, of course, the walnuts and paper plates.

3.) When you arrive home, realize you can't find your phone. Anywhere.

4.) Remember that your pc is down and you don't have cable, thus your
only contact with the real world is the car radio, which has two volumes: "Tinitis" and "mute".

5.). It is now 3 in the morning and you still haven't baked the cake you're ostensibly bringing to the feast. No matter, go back to Meijer's anyway.
How can you survive phonelessness....especially if your sister 's number is only on your phone. Oh, and your pc, which is down.

6). Look everywhere you've been at. Meijers: bulk nuts, milk refrigerator, shoes (someone might need them!), cameras (I'm Christmas shopping, OK, Dave Ramsey??????)
Do not find phone.

7). Ask the only 2 employees whether they've seen your phone. They haven't, but when they hear the sad story of your sister 's number on your missing phone and broken pc, one helpfully says, "Go to the library! You can get on the Internet there!". "On Thanksgiving ?". "Oh. Right. Sorry."

8.) Feeling extremely sorry for yourself, buy a phone. A cheap phone. A pay as you go phone. And a stereo CD clock radio, because you can't listen to music without a phone or computer, unless you stay in the car all night with the deaf-making car stereo, at which point you will be evicted. Go home.

9). Plug in the clock radio. Put on "The Leningrad Symphony". Get out phone and instructions.

10). About the time the Nazis reach the Leningrad horizon, realize that in order to activate the pay as you go phone, you need to call it from another phone.

11.). Begin weeping now. Go through your ancient paper address book, wondering if you have a living relative who has not moved in 20 years and has your sister 's number. "Hi Great Aunt Suzy! How are you and Uncle Joe?...He did??? Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss...When did this happen? 1994, I see. I think that was the year I moved to Tibet and became a monk. Well, anyway, Happy Thanksgiving ! Uh, by the way, you wouldn't happen to have my sister 's number...?"

12) decide to just wing it and try to retrace the steps you took the last and only time you went to your sister 's new apartment. Bake cake.

13) Go to bed at 6 am.

14)Hear the alarm ring at 11. Hit snooze.
15) Repeat 14 about 6 times.

16) Drag self into shower.

17)Dress, grab keys and cake, and go out to car, leaving walnuts and paper plates behind.

18). Find your phone underneath passenger seat.

19). Happy Thanksgiving!

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