Thursday, May 10, 2012

Congratulations! You bought gold!!!

Yes, that's right!  Now that the nuclear, post-rapture, post Mayan calender, or global warming apocolypse is here, aren't you glad you invested your life savings in  precious metal?  Not for you the volatile mutual funds market, or insecure stocks; now that there isn't an operating government on the globe, you can hold your head up high knowing you didn't put all your eggs in national currencies or government bonds. No, sir or ma'am!  You planned well!  You win the prepper sweepstakes!  Like your neighbors,  you built a fallout shelter, stocked it with the Alex Jones recommended Vita-Life freeze dried foods which all taste like the brown sauce in frozen Chinese food,  in space-saving little ziplock bags.  You stocked a lot of water.  You learned how to rig garbage bags to a wooden seat to replace your toilet.  You have an emergency radio which only runs for three minutes if you turn  the crank for fifteen minutes...but, oh well, it's not picking up anything yet, anyway (surely all the ham radio operators are waiting till the fallout/flooding from the melted icecaps/Mayan dancing men subside(s) to start creating the new post-world radio network).

And you have pounds of gold!!!  You will be the envy of investors everywhere (all five of them!).  And won't people be impressed when you reach in your pocket and hand them an ingot, all shiny and yellow, in exchange for the family heirlooms they must unload to buy food, or housing, or a gun (not that you didn't stock guns, too, but you can always use more guns!)?

For the purposes of planning, we at the Acme Gold Financiers have prepared a list of some of the things you might want to do with your gold if you're not lucky enough to be raptured or at ground zero (which, now that we think about it, might be kind of like the same thing....instant afterlife!):

1) Reinvest it!  Now that civilization as we know it is at an end, you can talk with a financial counselor about investing it into businesses and ventures that are sure to be a boom in the new economy.  Like  makers of  radiation masks, for instance;  or of frog suits to swim the globally warmed waters from place to place.  After all, it should only take a couple of hundred years for such an economy to develop, and another hundred years for unmutated financial counselors to evolve!  That is, if both women and men survived doomsday.  For right now, you can dream of all the ways you might be able to invest your gold in things that you're not really sure yet are going to exist.  It's a lot of fun!

2) Turn it in for cash!  No more banks?  No problemo!  Surely someone in your area (the number of square miles in which you can comfortably travel without roads, airplanes, railroads, or bikepaths) would be glad to give you the 1,000,000 dollars they just happened to have on hand at H-hour.  You'll be rich!  Note:  if someone tells you, "Uh, I'd like to help but my ATM card won't work", just move along.

And think of all the things you want to get with that cash!  Tell the little old lady who lives down the street (or what used to be the street) you'll give her $5,000 for her last bit of food.  She's not buying?  Try offering $50,000!  Eventually you'll settle on the price and it'll be her turn to try hard to convince some schmuck that a bunch of pieces of paper covered with pictures of presidents, or kings, or philosophers on it is still worth something.  Good luck  :-)

3) And, as stated above in the "gun" example, you can always barter with gold.  Yes, water, seeds, electric generators, and sex are much better commodities, but gold isn't so bad.  It's pretty, and it might remind someone of the good old days.  You never know.

4) Once it occurs to you that all of your gold ingots are pretty much worthless in a world where there is no market for it, you can build another shelter!  It will be nice and shiny and yellow.  Of course you probably won't be able to find a smelter anywhere, so it might be a good idea to invest in one before December 21.

Acme Gold Financiers are proud that you did the right thing for yourself and family, ensuring that you have your entire life invested in an inedible and uncombustible commodity with which to weather the coming storm.  Congratulations.

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